A chap at the bookies goes to the screens and checks the prices of the next race. There are only two horses in the race and it seems pretty uncompetitive as the favourite is 10 to 1 on and the other is priced at 40 to 1 against. Nonetheless, he makes his way to the counter and asks to place £250 on the outsider.

Being a friendly sort, the bookmaker tries to put him off the bet and assures the customer that the outsider has absolutely no chance against the favourite but the man is insistent and demands that the bet be placed. The bookmaker tries again to convince the man he'd be losing his money but eventually agrees to take the bet and gleefully deposits the £250 into his till. They both then watched the race on the television and, horror of horrors, the favourite fell at the third hurdle and the outsider casually trotted to the finishing line.

The customer was straight back to the counter and demanding his winnings. "No problem," said the bookmaker, "I will happily pay you what you have won" and counted out the £10,250. As he did so, he confided to the man, "You are amazingly lucky - between you and me, I actually own the outsider that you bet on and he is such a donkey, even I didn't back it".

As he collected his winnings and made his way to the door, the lucky punter replied, "That's a coincidence, I own the favourite"!!!!!!!

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A horse visited a baseball stadium, trotted over to the manager and asked for a tryout.

The manager, stunned by the talking horse, figured he'd give the tryout a go.

The horse took batting practice and slammed several pitches out of the park. Next came fielding practice, and he stopped everything at shortstop, and fired the ball to first base each time with amazing accuracy.

The dazed manager said, "Great! Now let's see you run." The horse said, "Are you kidding?

If I could run, I'd be at Churchill Downs."

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This man was sitting quietly reading his racing paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan, WHACK!.

"What did I do to deserve that?" said the man.

"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" said she

"Oh honey, you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied, says she is sorry, and goes off do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and WHACK!.

"What in the world was that for this time?" said he

"Your horse just called." said she!

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One of them starts to boast about his track record.

"In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've one 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in MY last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed.

"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

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"Your horse is seven years old and won by seven lengths. Why haven't you raced him before?"

"We would have," responded the owner, "but we didn't catch up with him until last Tuesday."

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The trainer tells Lester that this is the worst horse he has in training, it has had 23 races and finished last in all of them, if it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

Lester mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and Lester is 30 lengths last after half a furlong, he gives the horse an almighty backhander on the behind, nothing, he then gives him a series of sharp slaps down the shoulder, nothing, he then gives him two wallops right on the bollocks, the horse comes to a sudden stop, turns round to Lester and says "for christ sake will you turn it in with that whip I have to be up at half four in the morning to deliver the milk"!
- Patrick McCarten

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